Trauma survivors often exist within the contrast of wanting to be close to people and fearing intimacy and relationships.
There is a very good reason for this and it goes back to attachment theory. As human beings, we have several drives that guide our behavior. One of these is the drive for proximity which encourages us to seek out a caregiver and draw close to them. This makes sense for survival as we cannot provide for ourselves when we’re young and also need things like connection, support, affirmation and safety to develop.
But for those with insecure attachment, especially disorganized attachment (growing up with a caregiver who wasn’t safe, due either to abuse or neglect) another drive is also activated: the drive for defense.
What is the drive for defense?
As Ogden Minton and Pain state in ‘Trauma and the Body,’ “When the attachment system is aroused, proximity seeking behaviors are mobilized. But when the defensive system is aroused, flight, fight, freeze, or hypoarousal/feigned death responses are mobilized. The disorganized disoriented infant experiences the alternating or simultaneous stimulation of these two opposing psychobiological systems.”
These environments leave the child with a compromised social engagement system. This is due to the fact that they’re primarily going between either a hyper- or hypo- aroused state, i.e. aroused (sympathetic-fight/flight) or shutdown (parasympathetic-freeze/fawn). From what we know from Polyvagal theory, connection does not occur in either of these states but rather in the ventral vagal, or emotionally regulated, zone. That is, if sympathetic is activated and parasympathetic is shutdown then ventral vagal is right in the middle. The balance of both systems at work ready to come more fully on line at the first sign of threat.
How do attachment issues show up in adults?
This contrast shows up in our adult relationships in several ways. Often we can feel the strong desire and need for relating while still carrying the need for keeping oneself safe. It can be extremely confusing to ourselves and others. This is because we want to draw close but push others away or create space and safety sometimes without even knowing it. It can show up in the minute ways we interact: through facial movements, body language, proximity, and subtle messages we send to others based on what state is activated at the time.
How do I heal attachment wounds as a trauma survivor?
There are ways to teach your body it is safe. There are ways to learn that connection can be good and successful in safe spaces. But understanding why you behave in the ways you do is so important. We are not broken. Our bodies are good. Separating out the reasons why our bodies do the things they do and how our bodies and minds have survived brings compassion, respect, and hopefully patience with ourselves as we do the work of understanding and supporting ourselves to heal and grow so we can experience life in the ways we desire. If you think we might be a good fit, please contact us for a free consultation today.
Learn more about PTSD therapy in Colorado. Serving Boulder, Longmont, Denver.
