By Hannah Horowitz MA, LPCC
People come to therapy for many different reasons, and each reason is as unique as the individual who sits in the therapy chair. That said, there are often major themes that bring people to do inner work. Such as wanting to work with specific mental health challenges, improve communication skills in a relationship, or explore more about one’s purpose and depths. At the heart of these major questions typically lies one unifying theme: being with the unknown.
Unknown anxiety show up in all kinds of ways.
For many of us at this time, we face a collective set of unknowns. Such as the tenuous future of our environment or the status of global affairs. This list is hardly exhaustive, but many of the unknowns we face likely fit within one of these categories:
Relational unknown, such as feeling uncertain about how our partner feels, how to communicate with our friend, or how others might feel about us.
Future unknown, such as, “Is my career really what I want to be doing? Will I ever be able to have a child? Will my chronic pain ever resolve?”
Existential unknown. “Why am I here? What is my life’s purpose? What happens after I die?”
Many people come to therapy thinking that therapy is about “fixing” something. About creating a plan to work towards some future in which things will be stable, steady, and resolved. While the aim of any therapy is to have a treatment plan to help you work towards your goals, I find that so much of the healing in therapy actually resides in learning to companion ourselves in all of the unknown moments and questions of life.
Unknown anxiety threatens our nervous system regulation
Unknowns present one of the main threats to our nervous system regulation. So, learning to companion and soothe ourselves in the face of unknowns can be hugely supportive to our well- being. Many people grew up in homes where unknowns were plentiful. Such as erratic parental behavior or insecurity in other areas. As young people, we didn’t have a way to feel safe or secure. Without realizing it, we may still be looking through the lens of history when it comes to the unknowns of the present moment. It’s important to have compassion for our history at the same time that we invite ourselves to examine our relationship to the unknown.
The unknown boldly invites us to acknowledge that unknowns underly every element of our lives. As surely as we might feel about what the day or the year might bring, life unfolds the unexpected all the time. Sometimes in ways that are joyful and sometimes in ways that are deeply painful.
Below are some helpful tips for how to be with unknowns in our own lives:
Resource Around Safety. Much of the fear of unknowns has roots in the fear of not being safe, be that emotionally or physically. An exercise I like to do with people when they are feeling stress or fear around the unknown is to name simple, tangible things that we do know, which can support our nervous system in the moment. An example might be: “I know I am sitting in this chair, I know I see a bird outside the window, I know my feet are in my shoes.” A way to take this further might be, “And way I know I am safe is...”
Activities that bring us into awareness of our safety in the present moment can help soothe the parts of ourselves that are struggling to find anything to hold onto.
Resource With Community. You are not the first or the last person to experience stress around unknowns, no matter what you’re going through. Even if people haven’t experienced the same thing as you, they likely have experiences that can help them relate. Talking with trusted people about the unknowns you’re feeling can help us feel less alone.
If you don’t find yourself connected to many people, chances are that there are meet-up groups or online forums that offer a chance to connect with likeminded individuals. For instance, many people are experiencing a lot of stress around the unknowns of the climate on this planet. I know people who have found great benefit from joining climate grief groups. The point here isn’t to quickly fix problems, but rather to explore the impact of our feelings and support each other in the unknown.
Gain Clarity Where We Can. When it comes to relational unknowns, many of us do a lot of extra guess work and assumption where we could get clarity. It’s certainly not always easy to ask the people in our lives for a conversation to clear the air or get clarity about needs and feelings. Therapy can help support and coach us in having the conversations that, while hard in the moment, build confidence and skills to address unknowns where we can.
Self-Compassion Goes a Long Way. Many of my favorite teachings prioritize being kind and warm to ourselves, particularly in moments of distress. The truth is, we are all going to experience confusion, sadness, fear, and other emotions at various points in our lives - this is part of being a human. Our inner critics tend to get very loud when we are in a period of feeling many unknowns. Such as in between jobs, relationships, or major life transitions. Anything we can do to bring inner warmth to ourselves is a huge part of healing.
Resource With Nature: If there is anything we can see in the cycles of the natural world, it is that all things shift. Trees release their leaves to grow them back. Ponds freeze and melt. Animals burrow and awaken. Death begets life, and life begets death. In essence, all things are in perpetual shift and change; this is life’s great design. The point of sitting in nature isn’t to solve some great problem or direct us towards our next venture. Instead, we have the opportunity to feel ourselves as part of life’s great mystery.
Hopefully this post provides some helpful reminders and tools about the reality and role that unknowns play in our lives. Even if we can’t resolve an unknown, offering ourselves the kindness of companionship from ourselves, a loved one, or a therapist can go a long way in supporting us to feel less alone alongside life’s unknowns. Please reach out for a free consultation today.
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