When we get older, we want to establish our individuality. It is hard to do that when the people we love are overly involved. If this cycle continues, you can resent the people you love. This is especially true if your loved ones end up becoming possessive.
If you feel like people in your life are excessively involved in your life, this is enmeshment. Whether this is your romantic partner or a family member, enmeshment is when people are involved in your activities and personal things to an excessive degree. If you do not know if your partner is being excessive, it helps to know what the behavior patterns entail.
Here are the five telltale signs of enmeshment.
1. Neglecting Your Needs
In an enmeshed relationship, you no longer remember what it is you need. For example, if your friends invite you to hang out but your partner cannot make it, you stay behind. You forget that you need to be with your friends because it is not a need for your partner.
Before you know it, you sacrifice what you want in order to keep your partner happy. You could be afraid they will be mad at you if you go after what you want without them.
You could be with a group of friends who all want to go to a particular restaurant that you love to visit. But as soon as your partner says they do not want to go, you stay behind with them. Everything becomes about your partner.
2. Staying Away From Conflict
If your parents never let you get a word in growing up, you could fail to stand up for yourself. If you cannot stand up to your parents, it is harder for you to stand up to your partner. Your partner may judge you for your activities or appearance. While there is no conflict between you, you only present a fictional version of yourself. Instead of standing up for yourself, you pretend to agree to avoid a fight.
3. People Pleasing
Making your partner happy is always important. However, it is not healthy to depend on your partner for happiness. If you always need to protect your partner so they never feel bad, you are attempting the impossible. You can try to create the perfect environment for your partner, but you can never decide how they will respond. There is no point in people-pleasing if you are not pleased with yourself.
4. Cannot Make an Independent Decision
Instead of using logic to make your decisions, you depend on your partner for that. You struggle to know the difference between right and wrong because your partner has been the one to decide that.
This can leave you feeling lost if you do not know how to make a decision by yourself. You may need to make a medical decision right away, but your partner is not available to tell you what to do. Because of this unhealthy pattern, you remain indecisive about important decisions that demand your attention.
5. No Longer Know Who You Are
You could be feeling safe in an enmeshed relationship because you think it is better than being alone. The problem is that you know who you are with that person but forget who you are without them.
Everything that separates you from your partner no longer exists, like your favorite hobbies. If your partner has no interest in joining you, then you have no interest in participating. Even the clothes you may wear may not suit you, but wear them because you know what your partner likes.
If you are struggling in an enmeshed relationship, a therapist can point out these telltale signs and find ways to make your relationship more healthy. If you are looking for a therapist, please contact us for a free consultation. We are always here to help.
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